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Everyone likes a good read from time to time, or even all the time. That's why our team of writers is constantly at work putting their opinions and insights into words, and this is the place to find their work: the Editorials & Articles section! We write about anything and everything, from the implications of the latest topics of news around the amusement industry, to the timeless topics of interest, to just plain satire. If you can think of a topic you would love to see in the form of an article, chances are you'll be seeing it in the future!
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 It is Friday morning. The end of the week has finally come. After working five straight days at Chuck-E-Cheese, you are exhausted. But being the coaster-fiend that you are, you are heading off to Six Flags Great Adventure so you blow a “coaster-load” that you have been holding in all week long. All coaster fanatics have lived through days like this, but how does a person have a great day in the theme park? Well, for those who don’t know, I have spent the last eight in a half weeks of my precious boring time to compile seven tips on how to make it a great day!
Tip Number 1 – Chose Your Mates Carefully
Friends… wow they can be pain in the old geyser sometimes can’t they? For those of you who don’t have friends, you can go ahead and skip to Tip Number Two.
Bringing friends to the park with you can either make or break your day. There are three types of people that you can bring to the park with you, and the ones you choose can determine whether you’ll go home happy, or go home contemplating suicide.
Friend Type One: “The Big Talker”
Every normal person has that one friend that will talk about how they aren’t scared of anything or any coaster on the car ride to the park, but once it’s time for them to pull down that harness, they will use any excuse to get out of the situation. My favorite one is, “That hotdog from the restaurant gave me really bad constipation, so basically right now I am a ticking time bomb… I don’t want to trigger an early detonation.”
I can see that some of you are like, “No, I disagree, there is no person like that in our group.” Well, if you say that… THAN YOU ARE THE PERSON.
 Friend Type Two: “The Shy Stuntman”
Then, you have one of those friends that never speak or let alone make noises to begin with, they are just a silent enigma. The only reason you hang out with them is because they work at Wendy’s and they get you some free spicy chicken sandwiches. They are completely silent, but once you put them on a rollercoaster or thrill ride, they scream and yell every known sound known to man.
Friend Type Three: “The My Way Dude”
“Lets go to this ride first.” “No, I don’t want to get on that ride, lets go to the other one.” “That ride is corny, we’re not getting on that.”
Ah, the third friend type and my personal favorite, “The My Way Dude.” “The My Way Dude” is the complete whack-job that for some reason creates an itinerary the night before. Every ride the group gets on has to be “Robby Approved.” I say Robby assuming that your friend’s name is Robby. If it’s not Robby, then just insert another name in place of Robby. If you have no friends, then insert Whack-Job in place of Robby. But wait… didn’t I tell you no-friend losers to move on to the next tip?
Tip Number 2 – Get There Early
It’s a proven study that 89.6% of the time, if you get to the park early, you will have the chance to get on more rides in a shorter amount of time. It’s also a proven study that 46.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Don’t feel like waiting 22 hours in line to ride Kingda Ka? Then get to Six Flags Great Adventure at approximately 9:37am and it’s guaranteed that you’ll only have to wait 14 hours instead. Don’t feel like waiting five minutes for the Great American Scream Machine? Then get to the park at approximately any time you freakin’ want and not only will you get on in less than two seconds, but you’ll also operate the ride yourself!
Tip Number 3 – Pick the Right Attire
Usually when guys go to the park together, they go for two reasons. Reason number one is to ride the coasters, reason number two is to meet some very attractive females. If you would like success with the number two reason, wearing your “Mr. Six Is My Hero” t-shirt will not assist you in any way.
The clothes you choose to wear will all depend on your reason for going. If you are going just to ride Top Thrill Dragster because it just reopened after an extended breakdown, then you can go right ahead and wear your “I’m The Real Top Thrill Dragster” sweatshirt. If you are going to meet some new ladies because your girlfriend just angered you because you took her to Taco Bell for your five year anniversary… and made her pay for it… then busting out your muscle shirt would benefit you. Even if you’re a scrawny white-guy with a Family Guy fetish, muscle shirts will still get you noticed. Maybe not in a good way, but you’ll be noticed, and that’s what you want. You never know, because there is a gal for every guy out there, even though I’m beginning to think mine lives in Bulgaria and got hit by a truck a couple years ago.
 Tip Number 4 – Make Friends with the Ride Operators
You never know when those operators will come in handy for you. Get in good with the employees at the rides and you’ll be in coaster heaven. For example, if you were to find me, Keenan, at Superman: Ultimate Flight at Six Flags Great Adventure and said, “Hey dude, I’m a coaster lover and I want to get back on.” Then I’d so let you back on.
Do not get on the operator’s bad side because you will definitely be sorry. You thought those restraints on Superman were tight enough as it is? Ha! Trust me, we can make them go tighter… don’t test us.
Tip Number 5 – Never Stay Until Park Closing On A Saturday
If you are planning to stay until the park closes, just be aware that you will be sitting in the parking lot for three hours… and I really wish I was exaggerating when I said that, but it is very true. That’s not counting the time it takes when you actually make it out onto the main highway. But if you really want to stay until closing on a Saturday, make sure you bring all your Clay Aiken cd’s to pass the time. Not a Clay Aiken fan? What? Fine, fine. Backstreet Boys are okay to bring as well.
Tip Number 6 – DO NOT BUY FOOD IN THE PARK!
Buying food in the park is the biggest no-no a guest can do. Yes, that artery clogging cheese-steak looks great in the picture, but having to pay $3,000 for it is definitely not something you want to do. It’s not a good thing when you have to open up a new savings account just to buy food at your local theme park.
Prices are out of control no matter what theme park you go to. A bottle of water at Six Flags Great Adventure is $3.50. Yes, that’s right. $3.50 for a Deer Park Water that may have been placed in there two weeks ago.
Tip Number 7 – Don’t Mind the Obnoxious People
As hard as it may sound, if you want to have a great day, you’re going to have to disregard the rude and obnoxious people that come into the park. I know, sometimes it seems as though all 35,000 people that are in the park got together the night before and was like, “Hey, lets piss everybody off tomorrow.” Even if that is the case, you’re going to have to try your best to not let them bother you.
 Even when they cut the line to join their loud group of friends that are about to head up into the station and even if when they yell at you because you gave them the wrong look. You’re going to have to learn how to deal with it. No matter how good or bad the security is at a park, they’ll will always be those rude, obnoxious, loud, selfish, incriminating, greedy Fuddruckers and they’ll be nothing that can change it except a drastic change in culture.
Overall, those are just seven tips on how to have a great day at a theme park. Just remember kids, stay in school, don’t do drugs, and never yell at an already angered New Yorker with a hot girlfriend about how they need to stop cursing so much in front of your child or sibling. Trust me, from personal experience, it will not end nicely.
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